A look in the rearview mirror of college football: The worst of 2006
A trip down football memory lane
Before we start another season, let’s take one last look back at last season to remember the good times. And put the bad guys to a worthy end. Lessons from the past can be helpful in preventing failures in the future. Unfortunately, many of the schools that appeared in the 2006 FirstWorst Futility rankings seem destined to stay there.
There are some perennial powerhouses that live among the FirstWorst. The Duke Blue Devils know this place well. While Army and Navy have a terrific track record of producing people who can blow things up and take things from other people, Army can rarely manage to produce more than 3 and out on the grid. Perhaps this is because their graduates are expected to accomplish things, and thus the best high school recruits go elsewhere. The Army Mules are still trying to convince each other that a win over Kent State counts as a win.
Losers deserve respect. Without them, the Nebraska Cornhucksters would have no schedule. The states of Eastern, Western, Southern, Central, Lower and Upper Michigan would have no way of funding their sports programs. Troy State (who?) bankrolled a good chunk of their athletic budget by sending eleven poor bastards to Lincoln in September to bow out for a 56-0 drubbing of the Big Red. Nebraska charged admission for this. Big Red fans really paid.
Being cannon fodder playing against a top school has its rewards, though winning isn’t usually among them. The Sage acknowledges that while the Montana State Bobcats pummeled the Colorado B’lows in their season opener in Boulder, most disadvantaged schools grit their teeth, accept the beating and the paycheck. However, underdog players and coaches must question their self-esteem. Still, Sage is betting Montana State had fewer players arrested this offseason than CU, unless you can get busted for shooting rabbits in Bozeman.
Losers deserve respect because they may not always be among the best of the worst. The sage will miss Rutgers. The Knights shattered years of school tradition last year by falling to a dismal 11-2 record. The campus has not yet recovered. The wrench that the Knights threw in predictions early last year has tipsters twirling their Cross pens wondering how they got it so wrong. And now CA sportswriters have to learn to spell ‘Piscataway.’ By building a legitimate show, Rutgers has failed fans across the country and relegated their show to respectability. A fate worse than the Sage cannot imagine.
Losers have their place in this world. They balance everything. The sage loves to find bits of wisdom and irony in lost football. To these little moments of fun, this column is officially dedicated.
Featured here are the original top ten picks in college football. Before continuing, the Sage points out that this list: · Lacks any scientific process · Focuses on but is not limited to BCS teams · Is developed entirely at the whim of the Sage of College Soccer · May contain inappropriate references for underage readers · May require literate adults to explain the finer points to children or people who paid to watch Nebraska play at Troy State May have nothing to do with an actual football game
Number One: The Poor Blown Devils of Duke
This one is a no-brainer. Basketball schools shouldn’t try football; Hitting the ball over the goal posts does not award any points. Also, that ball bounces weird. The DHs rose to the lofty status of number one on the FirstWorst list by virtue of their brilliant 0-12 record last season. Capped off by a season finale loss to rival powerhouse North Carolina, the Bleu Devils stole the loss from the jaws of defeat by coming back to have an extra point locked in late in the fourth quarter to seal the loss by a point. This solid record and strong finish sets up the Duke coach who loses and gets the job. – for another splendid recruiting season.
Included in the head coach’s job description is: “Study, evaluate and recommend innovations in soccer strategy and team. Qualifications required at this level: Education/Coaching N/A”
At least the University is realistic. The Sage wonders if it is possible to produce a winner by designing new pants. In any case, the University capped off its perfect season celebration by adding a new stadium parking lot for more than 500 cars. The occupants of such vehicles can look forward to another spectacularly futile season.
2- Temple Owls
After going through their challenging schedule, meeting and losing to teams like Buffalo (not the Bills) in which neither team scored a touchdown, the Owls fought hard to close out the season on a five-game losing streak, including losses to Toledo and Akron. . The Pitiful Owls also had to play Ohio State and survived by losing 35-7. Seven points being scored for Temple was cause for celebration. Pennsylvania produces hundreds of star high school recruits each year. Unfortunately for Temple, everyone chooses other schools.
3-Illinois
The forces in Chambana recently declared a second “St. Patrick’s Day.” When spring break coincided with the holy day of alcohol, local bars let out a howl that they were losing business to foam-drinking students in Florida. So, to support local bartenders, the university introduced a second St. Patrick’s Day celebration. It is this kind of visionary leadership that has earned Illinois third place in the FirstWorst rankings. (D)UI leadership also showed foresight and fortitude in removing Chief Illiniwek this offseason. Illini, crying, then had an extra reason, as well as an extra day, to drain her sorrows on green beer consumed in Gatorade glasses. The Orange and Blue finished the 2006 season with wins against Eastern Illinois (yes, there is such a place and they play football), and they got an upset by winning at Michigan State. If Illini can win at home this year against a Big Ten school, the University has promised to declare a third St. Patrick’s Day.
4-army
The sage is pained to declare Army a member of the FirstWorst club. The only “Shock and Awe” delivered by the Mulos in 2006 was that people kept coming to see them. The Army’s ‘Black Nights’ just can’t produce a win against a quality team. Beating VMI, Kent State and Baylor doesn’t qualify as a stellar season. The Sage wishes the Army well this year, but West Point’s brass may have to call in close air support to complete a pass. We’ll see if the Air Force can help.
5-Boise State
The Sage can hear it now… ‘How can a big win in the Fiesta against OU on New Year’s Day rank a school among the worst in College Football? The simple reason is the horrible blue soccer field they play on. Just because it’s possible to create blue grass doesn’t mean it should be done. A quality team deserves to play in something other than the Tidy Bowl. A blue soccer field does not exist in nature for a reason. The Sage does not know what that reason is, but he is sure that it is a good one. BS students must be smoking something different in their pipes before home games to make it look real. BSU proved that you don’t need a blue field for any competitive advantage and can win in a big game. Lose the blue field!
6-Oregon
A team called the Fighting Ducks should find their way onto the FirstWorst list. But that’s not the reason for the Ducks’ inclusion this year. Oregon puts a good team on its two-tone field, but every year, it shows an incredible lack of taste in putting its team — appropriately descriptive wording eludes the Wise — those awful yellow uniforms with tire tracks on the shoulders. The ducks look like highlighter pens against green felt. Assistants in the Department of Psychology must have devised some kind of experiment to see if such a poorly dressed football team can generate a competitive advantage. The Sage thinks that in a state where the other University is called the Beavers, he would insist on putting a team on the field that could look as good as his record. Ducks often look like cheap office supplies.
7-North Carolina
The aforementioned Duke Blue Devils almost made the Heels reconsider showing up in those baby blue uniforms last year. NC couldn’t pull off the loss in their season finale game against Duke, but came close enough to earn a spot on the FirstWorst list. Blocking an extra point in the final minutes against the Dukes blew the Heels’ chance to finish in the top five. Maybe Duke and NC should play football on the basketball court. How can two southern schools have such poor football programs?
8-Colorado
The Colorado Buffaloes started last season strong at home with a solid loss to the Montana State Division II Bobcats. Then B’low’s season quickly went downhill. CU was in contention for a top-tier finish and had a real shot at number one in the FirstWorst standings before losing their form and not losing to conference foes Texas Tech and Iowa State. Former Boise State coach Dan Hawkins is going to dye the turf at Folsom Field pink in 2007 to match the red noses of the CU students.
8-Standford
Stanford’s ‘Cardinal’ nickname was declared after school administrators dropped the “Indians” moniker in 1972. At least “Indians” was plural and implied that there would be more than one person on the football field dressed in red. (Yes, the Sage acknowledges that “Cardinal” is technically plural, but without an ‘s’, the ghosts of college football lore have abandoned the Stanford kids and cast their curse on the red eggheads.)
Though he’s produced some good teams in the past, Stanford is a perennial favorite in the underdogs. The school is still best known for sending its band onto the field to stop a Cal kickoff comeback in ’82. Even that backfired and Stanford went on to record the biggest last-play loss in history. The 2006 season produced a single win against PAC-10 foe Washington. Stanford has always had trouble finding people who can pass the first few tries and pass the entrance exam. The plan for 07 is to multitask the tuba players to play on the offensive line between tunes.
9, 10 and More: The Western Pathetic Lecture
If all the losers meet in the same conference, some will come out winners. The boys who play at home in the toilet bowl in Boise had a respectable season. The rest of the conference succeeds in losing. Four WAC teams combined for a total of seven conference wins in 2006. The Sage can only imagine the WAC Skywriters Tour in July, kicking off in Hawaii, followed by outfield visits like Boise, Louisiana Tech, Fresno and Las Cruces, NM. . Hawaii, despite their winning record, deserves an honorable mention…any team called the Rainbow Warriors qualifies. Imagine being assigned to cover the New Mexico State – Idaho game. The sage shudders.
The Sage wishes these schools the best of luck in 2007. Visit http://firstworst.com weekly for Scholarly Sage’s wit and wisdom, as well as updates to the FirstWorst College Football Futility Rankings.