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How do I make my husband feel my pain after his infidelity and affair?

I often hear from wives that they would give anything for their husband to feel the pain his cheating has inflicted on them. They often feel like he really has no idea of ​​the pain they’re in, no idea how they really feel.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “For the first few weeks after my husband’s affair, he seemed really apologetic and empathetic towards me. But after a couple of weeks, he seemed to lose his patience. It was almost as if he was trying to hinted to me that my time to grieve was over. He said he couldn’t understand why I kept thinking about my pain. He wondered aloud why he didn’t seem to want to move on. What he does What he doesn’t seem to understand is that I do want to move on but I can’t seem to. He has no idea what it’s like to wonder if your spouse still wants you or why he has to go to someone else to get what he should be getting and wanting from his wife. He has no idea of what it’s like to feel insecure about something that’s not your fault. He doesn’t know what it’s like to love and hate your spouse at the same time. I feel that same insecurity, pain and despair. Because I feel like if he knew how he feels, I could to empathize with me more, be more I’m sincerely sorry, and have more patience and sympathy. But the only way to do that is to trick him myself and then tell him about it. I could never do that. I don’t like cheating and I find that idea repulsive. So how can I make him understand how this feels and encourage him to feel my pain?”

These are valid but difficult questions. For obvious reasons, I would never recommend someone cheat to get back at their spouse or to show their spouse what cheating feels like. I have never seen this work well, although I have seen many people try this strategy. This often creates far more problems than it solves. I think there are better ways to get your husband to feel empathy and remorse. I will discuss them below.

Although your husband should know that you would never cheat on him, there is nothing wrong with creating a little mystery: At the end of the day, what you really want (at least in part) is for your husband to understand how lucky he is to have you. You would like him to know that even though he was stupid enough not to see your value, there are plenty of other men who could see you differently, given the chance. You want him to know that you are attractive to other people and that if he is not faithful to you, then you are more than capable of finding someone who is.

There are ways to achieve this instead of cheating. Make the necessary changes to your appearance that will make you feel as confident as possible. Hang out with people who make you feel good about yourself. To go out with your friends. Get out there. You don’t want to paint yourself as a woman who can only stay home and suffer. As unfair as it is, this can make you appear less attractive to him. But you’re likely to appear more attractive (without cheating) when you get up and continue to do your best. And if you don’t really mean it, make sure you look convincing, at least for your benefit.

In a sense, this keeps you guessing a bit and keeps you on your toes. If you’re not sure what tomorrow holds, then you don’t have to fake it for your benefit. Let him know what you are going to need from him to start rebuilding his trust. It doesn’t always have to be so easy for him and so hard for you.

I’m not saying you want to play constantly. I think it should be made clear that two wrongs don’t make a right and you don’t intend to cheat. But there’s nothing wrong with making him wonder once in a while. Because sometimes, if you can, he’ll be more interested in making it up to you and getting your trust back.

Knowing that he will not deceive you again: To be honest, one of the most persuasive reasons wives want their husbands to know how it feels to be cheated on is because they hope he’ll feel so guilty that he’ll never cheat again. The real hope is that all this will make him faithful forever because he will see that the price of your bread is too high.

But by taking this strategy, it only covers one facet of cheating. And to have the best chance of him not cheating again, you need to cover this entire base. You need to understand what feature in him contributed to the deception. You need to understand what made his marriage vulnerable. And you must learn to recognize the signs so you can put the necessary protections in place.

It’s not as easy as making him feel insecure and regretful so that he will resist next time. He wants you to understand all aspects of the process so that you not only resist but understand why temptation exists. And he wants your marriage to feel so secure and satisfying that he can come to you with small problems before they become big problems. Simply making him understand how you feel or forcing him to feel your pain will often not be enough, as men and women experience things (especially feelings) very differently.

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