How to deal with post-abortion guilt

==> QUESTION: One of my daughter’s close friends called me and told me that my daughter was hiding something I needed to know. She was pregnant and planning to have an abortion the next day without my knowledge. I talked to my daughter about it and she admitted it. I found out that many people at school knew about it and they humiliated me. She told me that she was going to go through with the abortion no matter what I said, and I could support her decision or not.

We are active Catholics and this was totally against everything I believe. I was extremely torn between my Catholic faith and my desire to make sure my daughter was safe. I was afraid of where this procedure was going to be done. She insisted that she could not raise a child, even with our help, and refused to give him up for adoption. His child would have been biracial, Korean and Hispanic, and he felt he would never be placed in a good home and would end up in foster care. It is true that I had no desire to raise another child at this point in my life. I know that her son would have become my total responsibility. In the end, I made the decision to go with her for the abortion. This entire decision was made in less than ten hours, as I found out about the pregnancy the night before the scheduled abortion.

Since the abortion I have been tormented by guilt. I haven’t been to church since I can’t bring myself to go because I feel like a hypocrite. Every week I tell myself that this week I’ll be back, then on Sunday I can’t bring myself to go. He knows I’m not going and he knows why, and he feels very guilty about it. I know that because she told so many people, many parishioners at my church are aware of abortion. I feel humiliated and ashamed. Did I make the decision to help her because I was worried about her or about me? I can’t get over my guilt, and if I had to do it all over again, I would have refused to go with her. He would have done everything possible to force her not to undergo the procedure. She had several weeks to think about it, I had several hours. I deeply regret the decision.

I miss going to church, I miss my faith, but I don’t know how to come to terms with this. I know that, being people, many have already judged us and I will always feel that everyone in the church knows what happened. My 13-year-old son doesn’t know about this, and he worries that someone will tell him. He wonders why we don’t go to church anymore. Both boys went to the Catholic elementary school that is associated with this church, we have been lifelong members and I really don’t want to move to a well known church, I had planned to be a member here for the rest of my life. I am afraid to go and talk to my pastor about this for fear that he will excommunicate my daughter, and possibly me.

If you have any suggestions for me, I would greatly appreciate it.

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==> ANSWER: In situations like this, we have to ask ourselves: “Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?” So do the pros of an abortion outweigh the cons?

Advantages of going through with an abortion- Some of the consequences of forced pregnancy and forced motherhood (ie unwanted children) are as follows. The child:

have more emotional handicaps

· is doing worse academically; it’s a poor performance

are twice as likely to have a juvenile delinquency record

are 4 times more likely to have a criminal record as an adult

more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs

are 6 times more likely to receive welfare between the ages of 16 and 21

have worse relationships with parents

is at increased risk of being abused or neglected by parents

Disadvantages of abortion-

creates feelings of regret and grievance

it does not give the child in the womb a chance at life, which is why many religions look down on it

having an abortion always decreases your chances of having children later in life

the “wannabe mother” will always wonder “what if” and may feel some level of guilt for the rest of her life for the child she might have had

No matter what your political persuasion, this is always a very intimate personal decision that no woman makes without some degree of emotional trauma. All options—aborting, raising the baby, or allowing another family to adopt the baby—involve emotional pain and personal sacrifice. This is the price that your daughter, and you too, unfortunately, are paying for your poor decision to have unprotected sex.

Millions of women and men, both in society and in the church, are suffering under the guilt of abortion. Nearly one in five women who have an abortion identifies as Christian. This means that every year a quarter of a million abortions are performed on Christians.

It is counterproductive to try to eliminate feelings of guilt without addressing the cause of the guilt. Others may say, “You have nothing to feel guilty about,” but you know better. Only by denying reality can you avoid feelings of guilt. Denial sets you up for an emotional breakdown every time something reminds you of the child or grandchild you might have had. You need a permanent solution to your guilt problem, a solution based on reality, not pretense.

Bottom line: The good news is that God loves you and your daughter and wants to forgive both of you for the abortion, whether or not you knew what you were doing. So your first task is to accept his forgiveness, your second task is to forgive yourself, and your third task is to forgive your daughter.

Also, I think you should go back to your church and start attending services again. If you start getting some “bad vibes” from other church members, look for a church that forgives like your God did.