Lifestyle Fashion

The top five regrets of the dying

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were the ones who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special moments were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s ability to grow. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a range of emotions, unsurprisingly, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial, and finally acceptance. However, each patient found peace from her before leaving, each one of them.

When asked about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the five most common:

1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly, it’s easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have not fulfilled even half of their dreams and have had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made or not.

It is very important to try to honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment you lose health, it’s already too late. Health brings a freedom that very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

This came from every male patient I cared for. They missed the youth of their children and the companionship of their partner. Women also spoke of this regret. But since most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All the men I cared for deeply regretted having spent much of their lives in the grind of a working existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious decisions along the way, you may not need the income you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I had had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses related to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, while people may initially react when you change your ways by speaking honestly, it ultimately takes the relationship to a whole new, healthier level. Either that, or release the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had kept in touch with my friends.

Often the full benefits of old friends would not be realized until the last few weeks and it was not always possible to locate them. Many had gotten so caught up in their own lives that they had missed out on golden friendships over the years. There were many deep regrets for not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It’s common for anyone with a busy lifestyle to let friendships fade. But when you face the approach of your death, the physical details of life fade away. People want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that is of real importance to them. They want to put things in order more for the benefit of their loved ones. However, they are usually too sick and tired to perform this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the last few weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish I had allowed myself to be happy.

This one is surprisingly common. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had gotten stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity spilled over into their emotions as well as their physical lives. The fear of change made them pretend to others and to themselves that they were happy. When deep down you longed to laugh properly and have nonsense in your life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is far from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you’re dying.

Life is a choice. It’s your life. Choose consciously, wisely and honestly. Choose happiness.

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