co and counter dependency
Codependency and counterdependency in the context of a relationship are types of codependent behavior because the underlying reasons for both behaviors are the same:
1. Low self-esteem caused by feelings of shame
2. Fear of being alone
On the codependent side, the codependent person desperately searches for a person who is willing to put up with their shameful self. They will open up to this person because they feel they need to save their conscience about inflicting themselves on another person. They will do anything for that person, including demeaning themselves to keep them because they feel they are worthless and that their partner will eventually realize this, they will engage in compliance behaviors.
On the counterdependent side, the counterdependent person cannot face their shame and will go to great lengths to avoid facing it, which can involve virtually any type of addiction, the most common of the traditional addictions being alcoholism. Another even more common form of addiction is adrenaline addiction in the form of anger towards people in general and towards your partner in particular. A counterdependent person is afraid to open up to another person possibly because she has been rejected or betrayed earlier in life, but mainly because if she opens up to another person, she is also opening up to herself and facing what she has refused to face. . They try to tie their partner to them by threatening and belittling them so that their partner feels powerless and dependent on the counterdependent, they will adopt control behaviors.
In reality, most codependent relationships have elements of both codependent and counterdependent behavior in both codependents, where each switches from one role to the other, resulting in the tug-of-war effect often seen in codependent relationships. However, generally, each person in the relationship will predominantly assume the role of codependent or counterdependent.
As a general rule, codependent people will subconsciously search for counterdependent people and counterdependent people will subconsciously search for codependent people. Sometimes you find two counterdependents in a relationship where they are always fighting or two codependents in a relationship where they both feel aimless.
As a result of people being raised with a masculine stereotype that men are strong, decisive, and dominant and a feminine stereotype that women are nurturing, caring, and submissive, men are more likely to fall into the role of counterdependent and women are more likely to fall into a codependent role, although it should be noted that this is not always the case and there will be some relationships with a counterdependent woman and a codependent man (the stereotypical chicken-pecked husband).
Recovery from the codependent into the codependent role involves first accepting yourself and facing your shame. After which, the codependent must learn to understand the subconscious codependent habits that are detrimental to their relationships in order to correct these behaviors.
Recovery for the codependent in the role of counterdependent can be much more problematic than for the codependent because they must first overcome any physical addiction they may have, at which point their substance addiction will be replaced by an adrenaline addiction, which will result in irritability from anger. or resentment, which is the normal behavior of a counterdependent in a relationship who is not addicted to substances.
The problem is that anger/irritation/resentment has the effect of making the angry person believe that they are always right. This makes it very difficult for them to be convinced of the extent of the negativity in their behavior.
If you are reading this and think you may be codependent, whether in the codependent or counterdependent role, you may want to seek counseling or join a Codependents Anonymous group. Most importantly, you will need to be patient with both yourself and your partner, as you need to remember that it took you many years to become the way you are, so you can expect it to take time for your behavior to change.
Remember that the goal here is to achieve healthy relationships in which all participants can lead healthy and fulfilling lives.