Parenticitus Part One – Speak

It’s been a few years since my kids were little, but a friend of mine from work is a year old, and as we speak, the memories quickly return in whole chunks. My two sons have grown up differently, but one of the developmental styles they shared was related to language and how they learned English. English has to be one of the most confusing languages ​​for a child: consider for a moment how many meanings we give to the word “fly”, for example.

However, both my kids got through it using the same method of learning to speak: pretend until you get it. This method (hereinafter described as FITYM) involves the use of simulated speech or Speechiness. It’s not just gibberish (like “da da da”, although that has its charms). Speech copies the syntax of conversational English as well as its tones and inflections, so if you’re not really listening, it sounds like talking.

Here’s how you do it: take your goal (get a cookie), use one of the few words you DO know (cookie), and wrap it in that verbiage your parents always say (blah, blah, blah). Masking your goal word with strange parenting language makes it more enjoyable for your mom and dad, as they throw those things at each other all the time, and they seem to get what they want. The refined result sounds something like “Blah de Blah Blah Cookie de Blah”. Add an upward inflection at the end and you’ve just employed the most adorable kryptonite ever unleashed on a helpless father. Your cookie is almost in your hands.

However, there are drawbacks to the FITYM approach, at least from the parent’s position. Sometimes the quackery takes hold and your child makes up a word without ever telling you what it means.

“Nam cheeky ba-wano!” says your son.

“Excuse me?” You answer.

“Nam cheeky ba-wano!” says your son, annoyed and louder.

“Sorry, I don’t understand what you mean” you reply defensively. Your child proceeds not to change his wording in any way, but to repeat his own words (signature) to you more slowly and deliberately, as if you were the idiot.

“Naaaam cheeeekeee baa-waaanoo! Ba-wano! Nam Cheeky Ba-wano! Cheeky! Cheeky!”

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, no … I’m sorry” you reply through tears. You decide to do better and never make a mistake like that again.

I compare the experience with that of a foreign country where nobody speaks your language, you have just walked and a policeman is yelling at you. There is nothing you can do well and things are likely to get expensive.

My kids are older now (and can talk), but my 4-year-old daughter still amazes me with her turns of expression. She knows enough English to get by, but not enough to sound boring. More on that later …