Parenting: The Difference Between Discipline And Punishment

Parents never leave the hospital with their newborn babies and think to themselves, “I need to have a punishment plan for my child.” However, as time goes by, parents find that sometimes things don’t work out perfectly and children don’t always act in full obedience, thus punishing their children more than they would like. This tends to wear down even the best parents, but the problem is not punishment, but discipline.

The role of a parent is to teach their children how to live and act so that they are safe, healthy, improve their knowledge and skills, and are equipped with every opportunity to live an independent life one day. This doesn’t happen overnight, it only happens with time and careful attention to consistency and purpose. Parents must train your children how to do this, just like an athlete trains for a race. Training involves demonstration, repetition, correction, and encouragement. It is a process. For many parents, the most difficult on that list is correction because it tends to become punitive and manifests as punishment rather than discipline.

Punishment has to do with the negative outcome, while discipline focuses on preventive steps. If a child is well trained, they will understand the goal, have seen the methods or ways in which they can be successful, and will be expected to repeat that process of doing it. They will also understand that if they make a mistake, there may be some consequences (discipline), but those consequences are not imposed out of anger or frustration. They are simply the result of an action. But this type of discipline comes from a growth perspective desired by the child, such as a coach would ask the athlete to repeat the exercise or stay for additional practice to increase their skills. Discipline is designed to redirect actions toward the desired goal.

Punishment, however, tends to be meted out in anger. It is reactive and not smooth. It’s full of emotion that makes a point (like, “You failed!”) Instead of aiming toward a goal (like, “How can you do this better next time?”) Punishment is retaliatory in nature because the child interrupted parents plans or activities. Punishment can focus on what the parent wants at the time, such as peace and quiet, not being interrupted, not being embarrassed, etc.

The challenge for parents is to be aware of the training they are undergoing. They need to know the goals for their children. Having a family vision statement to focus on is important to the life and faith of every family. Once that’s in place, like coaches, parents need to be consistent and intentional about the training plan. They need to remember to demonstrate the skills they want their children to know, practice the skills with them, repeat them again, and, as necessary, redirect attention to goals that are important to the overall well-being of each child.