The growing shamelessness of the narcissist

Shame is a primary painful feeling and a bodily sensation of not being good enough, of falling short, of experiencing humiliation. Most of us carry some shame with us. Shame is a basic emotion that begins early in life. Some children are continually shamed by their parents. The child who is often shamed and humiliated feels helpless and useless inside. He wants to disappear into the woodshop and hide from everyone. When we see a child who has been severely shamed, his eyes look down. He is unable to meet our gaze. He feels so small that he wishes he didn’t exist. Feelings of shame block positive human experiences like joy, humor, and hope. Extreme shame can prevent a person from developing close relationships with others and enjoying life itself.

The narcissist has the opposite problem. He or she is shameless. There is nothing to stop the narcissist’s persistent bold moves to get and have what he wants. The narcissist does not see red or amber lights ahead that make them stop or slow down. He is moving full speed towards his goal. Whether it’s a lucrative business deal or a potential romantic partner or spouse, the narcissist charges forward with a right winger of his own, feelings of superiority, and an iron will that cannot be deterred. Besides his shamelessness, the narcissist never developed much of a conscience. Usually he will tow the line legally because getting caught is not an option. He cares deeply about his refined image, so he is motivated to remain publicly discreet about his unscrupulous dealings.

Narcissists become particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the opposite is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce process begins. They lie about their net worth so they don’t have to part with alimony or child support. Some narcissists, both male and female, leave their families entirely and start a new life with more attractive, adoring, and docile partners. Leaving the former spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos has no consequences for them. Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of behavior throughout their lives without shame or regret.

Narcissists often escalate their brash behaviors. After all, the high-functioning narcissist is treated with extreme flattery and praise. He is surrounded by a loyal group of fans who provide him with a continuous cascade of praise and special treatment. As they slide through life, many narcissists become more ruthless as they seek more. They are never satisfied with what they have. The hunger begins again and they reach a higher mountain of material generosity and self-enlargement. As their outrageous cruelties multiply, narcissists become even more shameless. His raw arrogance and feelings of divine power cannot be overstated.