Why would a man cheat but then want to save his marriage?

Some people have told me that there are two camps of cheaters, as follows:

1. those who want out of their relationship (or are not fully invested in it) and therefore don’t care if they get caught; and

2. Those who hope and pray that they never get caught because they are still so invested in their relationship or marriage and in love with their spouse or partner.

Many people have a hard time understanding why someone would be unfaithful or have an affair when they are still committed to their marriage. It just seems like a foolish and risky thing to do.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I found out three days ago that my husband has been cheating and having an affair with one of our neighbors. When he confessed to me, I expected him to tell me that he wanted a divorce and was getting ready to pack up.” his bags. But this is not what happened. Instead, he said he wanted to be honest with me because he wanted to save our marriage. This just doesn’t make sense to me. Why are you cheating on someone you wanted to stay married to? My husband told me “He knows me pretty well. He’s seen me support a lot of friends whose marriages were destroyed by infidelity, and he knows I have no tolerance for it. So when he cheated on me, he must have known that once I found out, there was a chance I’d cheat on him.” left. And yet here you are confessing but telling me that you want to stay in the marriage instead of leaving. Can you explain the thinking behind it? Because I just don’t understand why a person who wants to stay in the marriage would risk that very marriage by cheating.”

In the following article, I will try to explain what could motivate a person to be unfaithful even when they intend to stay married.

Many people who cheat never intend to get caught and intend for unplanned cheating to be a very short-lived affair: Before I get into the reasons for infidelity and then wanting to stay married, I have to tell you that you may not fully believe what I am about to tell you. I fully understand this because as a woman who has been cheated on, I don’t always buy what men tell me either. It is very difficult to understand a thought process that would never be mine.

That being said, many people who cheat will tell you that they didn’t mean to be unfaithful. Often, you’ll first hear about the development of a friendship, and then you’ll hear phrases like “it just happened.” Whether this is true or not, most people make this claim overwhelmingly. And then they’ll say that once the unintentional cheating happened, they told themselves it was a one-time or short-term thing. They planned to stop him before anyone got hurt. Of course, sometimes it ends up taking longer than originally intended.

Still, many people end up realizing that they have made a very big mistake for which they feel great guilt. They often realize that they have taken a great risk with the relationship that is most important to them. That is why many of them confess or at least acknowledge what they have done once they have been caught. They suddenly realize that they don’t want to give up on their marriage and hope that their confession or their remorse will at least give them a chance to keep or save their marriage.

Suspicions you might have about your claim that you want to stay in the marriage: Many faithful spouses approach the claims of the cheating spouse with great suspicion. People often tell me that they are afraid that his spouse will just say that he wants to save the marriage because he knows that a divorce would end up costing him a lot of money or risk losing access to his children.

I also hear from many dubious but faithful spouses who suspect that their spouse simply doesn’t have the courage or integrity to tell the truth about their feelings. Or, he worries that he wants to keep the cheating or infidelity hidden from his friends or family and hopes that by staying in the marriage, his secret won’t come out. These are absolutely valid concerns. Dealing with cheating is very painful. But dealing with cheating while trying to save your marriage only to find out later that it was all for nothing is almost unbearable.

However, the problem is often that there is no way to know what is really true until you see it. You cannot read your spouse’s thoughts. You can’t know exactly what they’re feeling. So the only way to really know his true intentions is to wait and see if his actions confirm his words. Because if he’s not telling the truth about his commitment to the marriage, that’ll soon become apparent. It’s highly unlikely that he can keep up the facade for long if his heart isn’t really in it.

And, yours is not the only opinion that matters. He will also have to decide if he wants to stay in the marriage. Decisions about her marriage are not yours alone. Do you have something to say. And you have your own set of desires and intentions. Sometimes your desire to stay in the marriage will not be enough. You have to want it too. And both have to be willing to do the work to repair the marriage and restore trust. Both things are truly possible. But for that to happen, both people need to be absolutely honest about their feelings and intentions.