I love my husband but he says he hates me, now what?

I often hear of people who have reached a very explosive or troubled period in their marriage. It is common for me to hear someone whose spouse has just admitted that they hate the other spouse or the marriage. I heard from a wife whose marriage had been in trouble in part due to money problems. Her husband had lost his job and every time the wife bought something that was not absolutely necessary, a big fight broke out. The wife had bought a new heater for her mother, but did not tell her husband. Needless to say, when the husband saw the credit card bill, he exploded. The wife said, “He picked up the bill and followed me around the house asking if he was trying to destroy us financially. I tried to explain to him that my mother’s house was freezing cold and I really had no choice and he blurted out ‘are you up to it? Bankrupt with your expenses and your lies? I hate you at this point. I can’t even bear to look at you. It’s like you’re constantly going behind my back and trying to sabotage our life. I don’t think I can take this anymore. ‘ Sabotage comments have happened before, but hearing him express pure hatred towards me is almost more than I can bear. How should you respond when you love your spouse but they say they hate you? next article.

Many times, your spouse really wants to say that he hates your behavior or actions rather than that he hates you: Probably about 99% of the time, the person who contacts me relates a situation in which the couple is fighting or in a situation of high stress when the comment of “I hate you” comes at a very volatile moment. There is usually a fight and hurtful words are exchanged. I am not trying to excuse your spouse’s hurtful words or to imply that they did not mean any of the sentiment behind the words. But it’s important to understand that usually when you hear words like this, it’s because the tension builds.

Often times, your spouse reacts out of frustration, and if you are honest when you calm down, they will sometimes admit that while they may hate your actions or behavior, they don’t actually hate you. There is a big difference between hating what a person has done and hating the person himself. But none of this means that you shouldn’t pay close attention to what your spouse has said and wonder if their concerns have any validity.

How to Respond When Your Spouse Says He Hates You: The worst thing you can do is respond that the feeling is mutual when this is not true. It’s also not a good idea to retaliate with a hurtful response that will only make the fight worse or perpetuate the disagreement. I know words are hurtful, but try to stay calm. The best response is usually something like, “well that hurts, but I understand that you are angry and frustrated. I don’t hate you. I love you and I want to work this out. Can we discuss this when we both have a chance to calm down? I really want to work on this, but now is probably not the best time. Let’s calm down, regroup and address why you are so angry. “

I know that spreading the word is asking a lot when the person you love has just expressed the emotion that is the exact opposite of love. But sticking around and continuing to argue or debate the point where emotions are so high is usually not the best idea. If you can make it clear that despite a great deal of frustration, you still love your spouse and want to get it right, this can usually bring a faster resolution.

Once the full “I hate you” comment falls apart, understand that you still need to examine the underlying cause of the words: Usually once everyone calms down, they sometimes apologize, or at least both people just try to move on. It is normal not to really want to talk about what happened because it is so painful that no one wants to think about it. But it is important not only to hide this under the rug. Because if you don’t solve the problem that led to your “I hate you” outburst, the problem is likely to come up again and again, and sometimes it will get worse and worse. In the example above, the money problem would continue to exist even after the husband calmed down. So while the goal was to move on from hurtful comments, this couple needed to come to an agreement on finances that both of them could live with or this was probably not the first time this issue was going to cause serious problems.

The conclusion is the following. Often times, your spouse doesn’t mean it when he says he hates you, but is desperately trying to get your attention. It’s best for you to listen before things get worse and your marriage continues to damage.